A Shark Lover's Review of the Movie "Shark Night 3D"

As an outspoken shark conservationist (and a lover of all films gimmicky and badly made), I felt that it was my prerogative—nay, my responsibility—to go see this movie. In 3D. At 10:00 at night. In other words, conditions were perfect to enjoy this film that featured sub-par plot development, terrible character motivation, and lots and lots of truly absurd shark behavior. All supplemented by some not-so-bad 3D action and lots of screaming (by the characters, not by the other two people in the theater).

For those of you unfamiliar with this film, I believe I can sum it up in three sentences (spoiler alert: don’t read this part if you still want to see it): a standard group of college students take a weekend trip to a Louisiana saltwater lake expecting a weekend of drunken fun, but instead encounter terror beyond belief thanks to some rogue sharks that have been placed in the water by local hillbillies trying to make underwater shark attack videos and sell them on the internet (I’m not kidding). Limbs are severed, sheriffs turn bad and rock out to Guns n Roses, and bull sharks repeatedly outrun both speedboats and jet skis going 60mph, easily. The most normal characters make it out alive.

There you have it. Shark Night… 3D.

There are some things I feel compelled to point out that may put your mind at ease if this film leaves you hesitant to enter any large body of water for fear of losing limbs to flying bull sharks, great whites, hammerheads, tigers, or flesh-eating cookie-cutter sharks.

1. The aggression the sharks display in this film is 10x that of a shark moving through its’ natural habitat. Can sharks be worked into a “feeding frenzy?” I’ll grant you, that can happen; they’re apex predators. However, sharks do not move and swim in a perpetual frenzy motivated by munching on some tasty human. Sharks are very curious animals, but they eat so seldomly that they swim in a manner that optimizes energy conservation.
2. A shark cannot outrun a jetski going 50 miles an hour. In fact, unless the animal is accustomed to the sound of boats, they generally shy away from unnatural sounds, especially one as loud and pervasive as a motor. They would have no motivation to pursue a strange sound coming from an inedible object on the off-chance that something edible is on top of it. Which brings me to my next point…
3. Bull sharks can’t leap out of the water. The only shark ever documented doing that is the Great White, which supposedly wasn’t “released” until the end of the film.
4. Hammerheads, though supposedly fierce and aggressive, have never been implicated in an attack on human beings. Ever.
5. Sharks ultimately kill to eat, not sever body parts and move on, and they very rarely consume humans. Most shark attack fatalities result from blood loss due to a bite wound because they take exploratory bites to determine the strength of the potential prey; they don’t consume people because we’re larger and more powerful than their average fare (smaller fish, birds, garbage and in the largest cases, seals).

I will close with a note to filmmakers everywhere: putting a blurb in a bad rap at the end of the film about a shark conservation website does not undo the damage that your scary shark film does to the public perception of sharks. This movie is terrible, not only because the plot is almost as bad as the CGI, but because it serves to reinforce a false perception of sharks as evil, bloodthirsty maneaters. That image tends to make people unconcerned about their fast-approaching extinction. We need sharks, and if you need a reason why, check out any number of shark conservation resources such as www.projectaware.org, www.savingsharks.com, or the documentary film Sharkwater.

Join us as we clean up Lake Michigan

Local scuba divers and SCUBA EMPORIUM will participate in Project AWARE’s "Dive against Debris" project by doing a clean-up dive event this Saturday, Sept. 17, 2011, at Burnham Harbor in Chicago, IL. As part of SCUBA Emporium's commitment to protecting the ocean and inland lakes, trained divers will not only remove underwater debris such as bags, bottles, fishing line, and other trash but also identify and document everything we see underwater in a larger effort to prevent marine debris.

We are taking a positive, practical approach to the marine debris issue by cleaning up one of Chicago’s landmark harbors from the bottom up. Patrick Hammer, founder of SCUBA Emporium, has been training divers here in the Midwest since he opened his first store in 1974. Mr. Hammer cannot believe all the debris he sees underwater today and wants to get it cleaned up.

"Dive against Debris" is a new program organized worldwide by Project AWARE Foundation, a nonprofit organization mobilizing divers to protect the ocean and inland lakes. This new project has an underwater approach that’s totally unique. It’s a year-round, citizen science program to tackle trash beneath the surface and address its negative impacts.Marine debris – or our trash in the ocean and inland lakes – makes its way to our underwater environments by the ton through poor garbage disposal practices, inland runoff, and deliberate use of the water as a dumping ground. SCUBA Emporium, along with divers around the world, is demanding a permanent reduction in and prevention of the disposal of garbage into the water because it severely damages sensitive marine ecosystems—even in some of the most remote corners of the globe.

Scuba divers are uniquely positioned to tackle the global marine debris issue, to take action every day and prevent debris from entering the ocean. For more information on the Burnham Harbor Clean up Dive, in Chicago on Lake Michigan, contact mark@scubaemporium.com.

Keeping our waterways clean is important and helps the environment. Dive against Debris efforts with Project AWARE will assure clean and safe water for our children.

For additional information in Project AWARE’s Dive Against Debris program and to join the global movement for ocean protection visit www.projectaware.org.