A Shark Lover's Review of the Movie "Shark Night 3D"

As an outspoken shark conservationist (and a lover of all films gimmicky and badly made), I felt that it was my prerogative—nay, my responsibility—to go see this movie. In 3D. At 10:00 at night. In other words, conditions were perfect to enjoy this film that featured sub-par plot development, terrible character motivation, and lots and lots of truly absurd shark behavior. All supplemented by some not-so-bad 3D action and lots of screaming (by the characters, not by the other two people in the theater).

For those of you unfamiliar with this film, I believe I can sum it up in three sentences (spoiler alert: don’t read this part if you still want to see it): a standard group of college students take a weekend trip to a Louisiana saltwater lake expecting a weekend of drunken fun, but instead encounter terror beyond belief thanks to some rogue sharks that have been placed in the water by local hillbillies trying to make underwater shark attack videos and sell them on the internet (I’m not kidding). Limbs are severed, sheriffs turn bad and rock out to Guns n Roses, and bull sharks repeatedly outrun both speedboats and jet skis going 60mph, easily. The most normal characters make it out alive.

There you have it. Shark Night… 3D.

There are some things I feel compelled to point out that may put your mind at ease if this film leaves you hesitant to enter any large body of water for fear of losing limbs to flying bull sharks, great whites, hammerheads, tigers, or flesh-eating cookie-cutter sharks.

1. The aggression the sharks display in this film is 10x that of a shark moving through its’ natural habitat. Can sharks be worked into a “feeding frenzy?” I’ll grant you, that can happen; they’re apex predators. However, sharks do not move and swim in a perpetual frenzy motivated by munching on some tasty human. Sharks are very curious animals, but they eat so seldomly that they swim in a manner that optimizes energy conservation.
2. A shark cannot outrun a jetski going 50 miles an hour. In fact, unless the animal is accustomed to the sound of boats, they generally shy away from unnatural sounds, especially one as loud and pervasive as a motor. They would have no motivation to pursue a strange sound coming from an inedible object on the off-chance that something edible is on top of it. Which brings me to my next point…
3. Bull sharks can’t leap out of the water. The only shark ever documented doing that is the Great White, which supposedly wasn’t “released” until the end of the film.
4. Hammerheads, though supposedly fierce and aggressive, have never been implicated in an attack on human beings. Ever.
5. Sharks ultimately kill to eat, not sever body parts and move on, and they very rarely consume humans. Most shark attack fatalities result from blood loss due to a bite wound because they take exploratory bites to determine the strength of the potential prey; they don’t consume people because we’re larger and more powerful than their average fare (smaller fish, birds, garbage and in the largest cases, seals).

I will close with a note to filmmakers everywhere: putting a blurb in a bad rap at the end of the film about a shark conservation website does not undo the damage that your scary shark film does to the public perception of sharks. This movie is terrible, not only because the plot is almost as bad as the CGI, but because it serves to reinforce a false perception of sharks as evil, bloodthirsty maneaters. That image tends to make people unconcerned about their fast-approaching extinction. We need sharks, and if you need a reason why, check out any number of shark conservation resources such as www.projectaware.org, www.savingsharks.com, or the documentary film Sharkwater.